by Jed Estrada

It's late... I can't sleep.

I wonder why I'm not tired. I've been staying up later and later, recently. The other night I put together a playlist on imeem that inspired me. Tonight I wrote a note on facebook for my friends, and then I read some blogs. I'm finding a theme that I find hard to ignore. People writing... yet not for anyone in particular. I ventured back to xanga the other day to see who was still there. There are a few people yet, blogging faithfully. One girl name Hailey used to be the proclaimed "Queen of Xanga." I remember when she would post, and get 40 eprops. She still writes, even though no one comments anymore! I left mine when my subscribers dwindled.

It's late... I shouldn't sleep.

I've been resting far too long. Just relaxing, and dreaming. I haven't written much in a while. It's true I write for the newspaper, but it's not the same as pouring out your heart in words. I get a rush when I write articles, and I know it's something I'll enjoy doing for a living. But what about when I'm not working? When ever anyone asks what I'm doing these days, I tell them I'm working for Wegmans, and writing for the newspaper. It sounds like enough I guess, but in reality it's not much. I only work 32 hours a week, and I usually write my articles towards the end of the month. Other than that, from day to day in the evenings and on my 3 days off a week, I don't do anything. At least, I can't hold up anything that's finished. I have found I like to work. At Wegmans I throw myself into the tasks, and I excel at them. I never slow down, and I accomplish a lot. My boss loves and respects me, and all the managers appreciate me. Work gives me purpose. It keeps me awake. It's in my leisure that I drift off. I have a quote on the left that says "My heart is stirred by a noble theme..." It's not. My heart is... not empty, but not stirring. It's more like stagnant. I really think I am becalmed, like in the Horse Latitudes I wrote about. Even when I write my articles, it's my mind that's working. I need to write more from my heart, and I can't worry about who reads it.

It's late... but I wont sleep.

 I have things to write about all the time. I just put it off, because I tell myself 'that's not a complete though. Save it until you can use it somewhere.' I'm going to get in the habbit of just writing more when something comes to me. There's more that I need, and I know what it is, but for now I just need to stir the waters.  I hear the song in my mind, by Aaron Shust:

My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes/ and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words

 There's not a lot that I need. I know fully well what God has given me. What I need is to use it! It's late, but I won't let it be too late. I won't let my mind stop writing, and Lord don't let my spirit sleep. Stir my heart with a noble theme, and I'll write it for you... just like the pale letters above my header say.

And now... I'll get some rest. :-)